Life Update: Romance, Midterms, Identity Shift

11/3/17

Hi everyone! Happy November! How have y’all been? I apologize for not posting at all this past week. ‘Tis the season of midterms– aka all-nighters at the library, hair-pulling and binge-eating. Not a fun time, but thankfully, it will all be over soon. I think I’m actually handling this round of midterms with more grace than I have in the past. Working hard, yes, but not stressing too hard, like I would in the past. Whatever happens, happens. I try my best, learn the material, give it my all in the exam room, and hope for good results.

Yesterday evening, I had my LS 15 midterm. Professor Phelan’s exams are notorious for being tricky, but with the curve, I should be fine. I have a Russian midterm on Monday and a statistics midterm on Thursday, so my whole weekend will be spent studying.

I actually pulled an all-nighter last night. So I’ve been up for a good 24 hours. I know that, at the beginning of the year, I had vowed to avoid all-nighters at all costs, but last night, I felt it necessary. These past couple days, all I’ve been focusing my energy on was prepping for the LS 15 midterm, at the expense of my other two classes. So now is a game of catch-up in Russian and stats. I biked to the library at around 1:30am, stayed there until 5:00am, headed back to the apartment, busied myself with cleaning and experimenting with my hair– yeah, don’t know why the hell I didn’t just take a nap– and around 7:00am, headed back to campus. It is now 7:45am. I am sitting inside the warm, cheerful Kerkhoff café, writing this post. My fingers itched to write, so write I did.

Things on my mind:

  • romance– or lack thereof
  • low motivation to study
  • midterms, midterms, midterms!

Ah, yes… the topic we all know and love… Romance. Or, in my case, lack of a romantic life. I don’t know, guys… Lately I’ve been feeling apathetic– antagonistic, even– towards the whole concept of romance. Having never had a boyfriend before, a large part of me is terrified of what being in a committed relationship entails. I’m happy as a clam, being single. Nobody but me, myself and I to worry about. Plus, I have so much to sort out with my own crazy mind, I can’t imagine bringing another person into my helter-skelter life, at this point in time. Then again, a part of me feels that, in spurning romance, I am missing out on a very important life facet. I want to experience EVERYTHING (not talking about doing drugs and other vices of that persuasion, to be clear)… and experiencing love is one thing I have yet to familiarize myself with.

Maybe I’m afraid of commitment. Romantic relationships, like with any relationship, takes a LOT of work and maintenance. They are emotionally draining. They can be exhausting.

Maybe I’m working on loving myself first, before letting another person love me. I need to build up a strong pillar of confidence and sense of self-worth, before involving myself in an intimate relationship. I need to know that, with or without such a person in my life, I will be okay.


 

11/5/17

Hey guys! I’m back! I’ve been busy studying (or trying to get myself to study) for midterms, so I wasn’t able to find time to finish this post ’till now, on Sunday night– the eve of my Russian midterm. Yeah… probably should be studying for my Russian exam, as it is tomorrow morning at 9:30am… but I’ve since renounced the practice of going OVERKILL with my studies. I now study enough to learn the important concepts and get an A on the exam. What really is the difference between an A and A+, anyway? For all the extra time spent studying for a couple extra percentage points, I could be doing other, more meaningful things– dancing, writing, hanging with friends, making beautiful memories.

I’m definitely see a positive change in my mindset and, in turn, lifestyle habits. While I still live with great ambition, I no longer equate my worth with my achievements. Because of this, I no longer feel the need to “prove” myself by striving to achieve exceptional feats (i.e. winning dance competitions, earning perfect exam scores, etc.). And a more recent development– I am learning to stop placing so much of my identity on my ability to work hard. Yes, a strong work ethic is indeed a great quality to have, and it is one I’ve been blessed with. But I am so much more than just a hardworking person. Once I learned to embrace that truth, I no longer felt so much pressure to live up to this ideal of “Belicia the hard worker”. I am no longer so high-strung… so eager to prove myself to others… so afraid of letting loose my reins… I no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. This quarter, I’ve really relaxed a lot more, and I don’t see such a change as a bad thing! In fact, I perceive it as a sign of growth! Less perfectionism; less weight placed on external validation; greater focus on learning and growing.

Slowly, I am channeling my energies outward. I think less about how I am perceived by others, or what my actions say about me. My actions are driven less by the question, “How can I prove my worth?”, and more by that of, “How can I make a positive impact on the world?” The latter question has gradually replaced the former as my driving force. Of course, if you want to make your greatest imprint in the lives of others, you must first become the greatest version of yourself. Such is no easy task, and it is a lifelong journey of constant reflection and maintenance. This is where the importance of introspection comes into play, and this is why I insist on keeping the fog off the windows to my soul. But what is the next step, beyond looking within? It’s using your knowledge of yourself to then give back to those around you. At least, that’s what I believe. I want to somehow make a lasting, positive mark on the souls of individuals, and I will do so with my talents, be it writing, dance, or something completely different.

Alrighty, friends. It’s 11:00pm, and I should get sufficient rest for tomorrow’s midterm. My last midterm of this week is on Thursday, so after then, I should be more free to write! I’ll talk to you guys soon!

 

 

 

 

-Belicia

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