A Day in the Life of a Manic-Depressive

Hey guys! It’s 9:37am. My Russian final starts in a little less than two hours. I’m already on campus– after a restless night, I woke up at 7:30am and couldn’t stand being cooped up in the apartment. So I’m here right now, sitting on the Janss steps grass, writing.

I’m definitely going through one of my manic episodes right now. Couldn’t sleep last night, so I headed out at 4:00am to go to Starbucks. Had a peppermint mocha, and was planning to do some work, but the drowsiness set in shortly after I drank my mocha (I know, weird right?), so I decided to head home to get some shut eye. My attempts at sleep were unsuccessful, however. I basically just laid in bed, eyes open, listening to music. Eventually, I managed to fall asleep for a few hours, which is better than nothing.

Once I arrived on campus, I couldn’t decide where to go. I basically strolled around for half-an-hour, unable to make up my mind on where to settle down. That’s the thing about mania— your mind is on overdrive, and settling down is not an option. I made my way to the Humanities building, and wanted to sit inside the auditorium where the final would take place, but a class was already in there taking an early morning final. So I sat outside the auditorium, trying to take a nap, but failing. Eventually, I grew tired of the blank, suffocating walls, and headed outside. I laid down on a bench, staring up at the clouds and trees. It was quite serene, and for a moment in time, I found peace. Then, I tired of my locale once more, and continued walking around. I called my brother, asking if he wanted to have dinner that night. He said he would confirm with me in a bit. Finally, I decided to write, as time seems to fly every time I engage in my creative outlet. So here I am now, writing, and waiting for my final to commence.

I don’t feel much pressure for this Russian final. During week 3, I switched the grade type from letter grade to pass/no pass. I was worried that, with my mental illness, I wouldn’t be able to handle the stress of my coursework, so I decided to lighten my load. Well, the other day, my teacher informed me that I was currently sitting at a 96% in the class, and he suggested I switch back to letter grade. “Even if you bomb the final,” he said, “you’ll still end up with an A- in the class.” So I tried changing my grading type back to letter grade, but apparently there’s a deadline for switching grade types, and that time has passed. So here I am, guaranteed a pass in the class, technically without even needing to take the final. I barely studied for this final– just a little bit of brush-up and grammar review on Saturday. No need to stress. Due to scheduling conflicts next quarter, I won’t be able to take Russian 2, which really sucks, since I’m eager to continue along the path of mastering the beautiful Russian language. The only other language that fits with my schedule is Chinese 2A, so that’s what I’ll be taking instead.

Ugh… so much time left… probably shouldn’t have left my apartment so early. Probably should have slept in a bit more. Oh well. What’s done is done. I’m gonna head over to Bruin Walk now, where there are dogs and donuts awaiting, to help stressed out students de-stress. Talk to you guys soon!

10:51am

Hello hello! It’s almost time to head into the auditorium! I can’t wait for this final to be over. Then I can head back to the apartment to sleep. Afterwards, I’ll head to the gym to dance, followed by a major study session. Sounds like a solid day. But right now, the immediate focus is the exam.

12:54pm

I’m done with the Russian final! Was in an out of there in less than an hour. Didn’t find anything surprising on the final, and I’m confident I did well. The Russian department is so nice– they were giving out piroshki’s, a type of Russian pastry filled with either meat or veggies, to students before the exam. Despite the difficulty of the language, I’m really gonna miss learning Russian… Perhaps I’ll pick it up once more, later in my college career!

I am about to take a nap, after which I will commence studying for the next two finals– LS 15 and Psych 100A! Good night!

4:18pm

Hey guys! Just finished dance practice. As I haven’t danced in a couple weeks, what with finals and my relapse into depression, today’s practice was about easing back into the groove… not pushing myself too hard, and not getting too frustrated with myself. 99% of my battles during practice are mental. I struggle to silence the negative mental script that plays back on a loop, oftentimes driving me to tears of frustration. In times like these, I need to take a step back, breathe, and ask myself if dancing must be this difficult. As so many others before have told me, dancing is a marathon, not a sprint. I won’t become a great dancer overnight– it takes time. I just have to be patient and believe that, slowly but surely, I will continue improving, and one day reach my greatest potential as a dancer.

I have a review session for LS 15 at 6:15pm… I’m debating whether or not I should go– on second thought, I probably should. It’ll be very helpful, and, as LS 15 is one of my major prerequisite classes, I would like to get an A in the class.

I think I’m going to end today’s post here. Gotta study for my last two finals!

 

 

Love you all!

 

Belicia

 

 

 

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