Unrequited love. The worst kind there is.
This is not my first post about my experience with one-way-street infatuation, nor will it likely be my last. No matter how many times it happens, the pain of rejection will always sting, at least initially, until time closes the wound.
On Wednesday, I put myself out there by asking a guy out on a date. I had met him through one of our school’s hip hop teams, and interacted with him all but two times, before I decided to jump. I figured, I barely knew the guy, but isn’t that why I should ask him out? To get to know him better?
Well, the guy never returned my message. It’s been nearly two days now. I may as well take that as a big fat NO.
To be honest, I am so proud of myself for putting myself out there and being vulnerable to the forces of external judgment. Asking any person out on a date takes guts, and I commend all the men out there who’ve traditionally had to make the first move on the ladies. Really, it’s not an easy thing to do.
I had my friend write the actual “asking out” message, and another friend press the “send” button. I could barely fall asleep after the message was sent, anxiously waiting to hear the oh-so anticipated sound of my phone notification. No such sound played that night. Nor the next day, and the next. Eventually, I gave up hope and stopped checking my phone every ten seconds. With the help of my friends, I heaved that door shut, locked it behind me, and labeled it as yet another in my ever-growing pile of rejection.
REJECTION. Oh, what a fun word it is. The word implies that you are not good enough. Subpar. Below expectation. To be rejected is one of the worst feelings in the world, for we often take it as a signal of our lack of self worth. This, however, is a distortion. Rejection, by nature, is the outside world acting on our inner being. It is some person or force telling you that you are not enough, or not worthy. But, what really does it matter what others say or do, if you are equipped with an unshakeable pillar of self-confidence and self-worth, so assured and grounded that nothing can shake you?
So that’s it, then. Rejection hurts. But it is by no means a definition of your own self worth. There’s only one person in the world who can define who you are, and that person is yourself. If a guy doesn’t share your sentiments, that is absolutely okay. It is in his every right to feel the way he does, for attraction is not something one can force. The chemistry is either there, or is not. However, it would be wrong of you to then morph that rejection into a label. Just because one person does not like you, doesn’t mean you are not lovable. Just because one person does not find you attractive, doesn’t mean you are not beautiful.
Rejection strengthens you. It builds character. Each rejection adds on a layer of armor to your skin.
So, in a way, I’m grateful that I’ve been rejected. Not once, not twice, but continuously, one right after the other. Slowly, I’m becoming immune to the pain of NO. I still have my insecurities. Each rejection throws me into a state of questioning. Am I pretty enough? Am I likable enough? Smart enough? Skinny enough? Am I enough?
The answer, of course, is a resounding YES. I am absolutely enough, in every sense of the word, and I don’t need a guy to validate that.