Hi friends! Hope you all are doing well.
I wish I could say life was all good… but as of right now, I am not in the best of places. No, it’s not the depression. My mood stabilizers have effectively kept the lows at bay– and the highs, for that matter.
My current struggles center around low self-esteem and wavering confidence, with the root cause being, presumably, my boy troubles. As I told you guys in Rejected, Yet Again., I was recently rejected by a guy I asked out. A little update on that story– shortly after I wrote that post, this guy replied my message, saying he would be down to grab coffee with me. When I clarified that I was asking him out on a date, he said that unfortunately it couldn’t be as a date, for he had a girlfriend already. Goodness… just writing those words is enough to send a cringeworthy tingle through my body, starting from the chest cavity and permeating through my being. My god, was I was embarrassed! Of course, I had no way of knowing he was off the market, but still… I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed that this guy is taken. We agreed to hang out, though, but just as friends.
Besides this guy, I’ve been asking out a couple other guys on casual dates. I’m eager to start exploring the realm of dating and intimacy; I am of the age where the hormones are raging and curiosity consumes my mind. While I’m not looking for anything serious at the moment, I am eager to see where dating will take me. It’s definitely a scary thing, putting yourself out there and opening yourself to the judgement of others. Rejection becomes at once your best friend and worst enemy.
I don’t think I’ve been coping with rejection in the healthiest means possible. I feel myself sinking. Sinking into the underworld of hedonism and sin. Making bad decisions. Wasting away all that latent potential within me… What a shame, isn’t it? I’ve come so far from the innocent girl who first entered college– eyes bright and focused, discipline intact, clear goals and a burning fire of passion and drive raging within.
I feel as though my life of late has been lacking in direction. My self esteem is faltering tremendously. Every day, I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see are the glaring flaws and insecurities staring back at me. I’ve become so great at putting on a confident facade, that I’ve effectively duped everyone around me, save for my closest friends and family, into believing that I am a shining star exuding confidence and radiant energy. My confession to you all– I couldn’t be further from such, in this moment.
So, to cope with my emotional turmoil, I’ve turned to the underworld of partying, drinking, and other physical pleasures as a means of escape. I feel the motivation to pursue the myriad of goals on my plate, slowly slipping away. What happened? Who have I become?
I must get my ass back on track. I need to focus on myself, my character, my goals. I must regain the discipline and structure that I function so well under. My mind has grown weak, succumbing to temptation and instant gratification. The road to success is but a slippery slope. It is so easy to slide downward, and so difficult to pick yourself back up and continue the upward climb. But, I must have faith that I can get regain my focus and direction, morals and work ethic. It will happen, guys, if only I believe in myself.
I hope you aren’t disappointed in me. I feel as if, in sharing my current struggles, I am letting down a lot of people who look up to me and believe in me and my story. But, as I always say, my aim in sharing my story is to present to you the many contours of my life, in all its triumphs and pitfalls. No hiding behind rose-colored lenses. We all slip up and have our down times. It is the strong people who are able to rise from the ashes and continue forward.
I thank you all for continually keeping up with my journey. Sending so much love and positivity in your direction!