Hello, dearest friends!
It is currently 11:02pm as I sit at my desk, tapping away at tonight’s post. This piece is a special one, as it is the last one I will write of my teenage years. Come tomorrow, I will officially be a non-teenager, celebrating my first two decades of life! Like, where in the world did the time fly?
I’ve thought long and hard about the fate of my blog’s name– “Teenage Struggles”. In a little less than one hour, I will no longer be a teenager. Does this mean I must change the name of my blog? Or leave this platform, and start anew?
I realized, though, that no matter how old we all get, there will always exist within each of us a bit of that teenage angst that shapes and colors some of the most formative years of our lives. As teenagers, we have a lot of “firsts”; we are taught the important life tenets of responsibility and accountability; we learn to cope with life stressors big and small; each day, we question and question and question our identities, and grasp for answers to the age-old question, what is to become of me? Our teenage years are certainly some of the most tumultuous and uncertain of our lives, and a big part of me is jumping at the fact that soon, I will be leaving the hurricane behind. Indeed, this past month has been one of the most trying ones I’ve lived; many mistakes were made, and lessons humbly learned.
At the end of the day, though, there is a certain beauty in being a teen. Of course there are times when everything– the pressure to perform (academically, socially, etc.), the suffocating fear of uncertainty, the youthful inability to cope with reality– gets too much, and all we want to do is stand at the edge of a cliff, scream “FUCK THE FUCKING WORLD”, kiss the cruel universe goodbye, and fall into blissful oblivion. But those of us lucky enough to survive have seen that, in life, following every storm is a beautiful rainbow. Adversity sucks. And there’s a lot of that during our teenage years. But adversity begets inner strength. It promotes self-growth and profound wisdom. And that applies to all chapters of life, not just the first decade.
I started this blog at age 16. That’s almost four years ago to this date. I’ve got to say, these past four years have been formative beyond imagine. My blog gave me a voice in this world. It empowered me to share my story with others. It made me realize that, as insignificant a being I am in this vast universe, I still am able to make a positive impact in the lives of others, in sharing the many contours of my life journey.
So, here’s to another decade– no, an entire lifetime– of continual growth, exploration, passion and inspiration. I don’t know how much longer I will be on this Earth… but I do not intend to let my time go idly by. I have a personal mission– to stay as true to my heart as I can, and live as fully and passionately as humanly possible, without losing that childish naivety that drives me to dream big. These past four weeks, I’ve strayed far from my heart, my morals, my values… but it’s all over now. Tomorrow is the start of a new chapter. A new leaf has turned, and I have been reborn. It’s time to get back on track. Reevaluate my long term goals, regain my discipline and fire, and go go go! One thing I like about myself is my ability to remain hopeful, even in the darkest of times. I carry myself with the confidence that, no matter how deep a hole I’ve dug myself into, I have the full ability to STOP digging, and make my way back into the light of day. I am a strong young woman, fully capable of achieving greatness. I just need to surround myself with people who will help me stay on track; people who help me live my best life.
My parents are coming down to visit me and my brother tomorrow. I’m excited to see them, but at the same time, I don’t wish for them to see me in my current mental state. I am in the midst of a depressive low, after a couple weeks of hardcore partying and hedonism left me feeling drained, empty and filthy. The thing is, this whole time, I’ve told my parents that I’ve been feeling absolutely fantastic; that I’ve been diligently sticking to my medications; that school has been great and my life is butterflies and rainbows. I lie to protect them. And come tomorrow, I will have to lie once more. Put on a facade. It’s all out of love… because I don’t want to hurt them.
Anyway, I must get to bed. I’m currently weathering out a flu, and wasn’t well enough to go to any of my classes today. Being cooped up in a dark room is never a great remedy for depression, and I really look forward to going back to the land of the living tomorrow.
I wish you all the best– health, happiness, vitality. Dark times will pass. The best you can do is surround yourself with people who will make the ordeal a little less painful.