Late Night Chat: Pipe Dream Edition

Hey friends! It’s currently 2:30am on this beautiful Monday morning. It is officially week 10 of winter quarter– aka the week before finals week. Everyone’s studying away, frantically meeting paper deadlines and pulling multiple all-nighters to cram ten weeks’ worth of information into their brains.

All of my finals this quarter are during week 10. I have abnormal psych on Wednesday, social psych and intimate relationships Thursday, and developmental psych Friday. Good news is, I get an extra long spring break, as I’m home free during the actual finals week!

You may ask what the hell I’m doing still awake at this odd hour. For some reason, I can’t seem to fall asleep. It’s probably from all the napping I did during the day… Perhaps I should use this valuable time to study my flashcards, but alas, I cannot bring myself to do so!

I had a fight with my mother earlier about my plans for the summer. I wanted to take a 15-unit Chinese intensive class to get my foreign language requirement out of the way, but my mother objected on the grounds that it was not a smart financial investment. It’s true that summer school is expensive; but I told her I wanted to graduate early so I could get the heck out of college and live my dreams, to which she reacted angrily. She kept saying I was ungrateful for not enjoying my time at UCLA, and that I need to change my attitude towards school. Clarification: I do love college life, but I’m honestly quite burned out academically, and I don’t wish to spend any more time than I need to with my nose in the books. You know, some people are just not natural-born academics. For some, it is not in their DNA to like school! I certainly never enjoyed academics– not in high school, and, despite my best efforts, not even now, in college. As fascinating the field of psychology is, studying is still a chore, and I oftentimes find myself daydreaming about doing something else… like dancing in NYC. Is it such a crime, to wish to do something other than academics? Of course, I know that school is my backbone, my safety net, which is why I choose to stay in school, rather than drop out. That, in my opinion, would be a foolish thing to do. So what else can I do but earn my degree as fast as I can, then finally live the life I envision for myself?

I wish I enjoyed school more… I really do. Life would be so much easier, to be an academic in a world where school is romanticized as the only means of rising up the social ladder. But for as long as I can remember, school to me has always seemed a hindrance to what I truly wanted to do, which was gymnastics– and now dance. Once I get my degree, I’ll be liberated. Is it so bad of me to think like this? I know I should be grateful to be at UCLA, studying at a renown university under brilliant mentors. But there’s always that nagging bitterness that resents being in college, for so long as I’m here, I can not be dancing as much as I need to.

I bet my parents wish I were more like my brother, Austin. He’s a mechanical engineering major. He’s going the conventional path, and is well on his way to financial stability and independence. His head is straight and unclouded; he lives safely in reality. No fantastical pipe dreams, like me.

Well, parents, I’m sorry I am not like your firstborn child (by one minute, lol). I am an individual. I concede that I am not the most rational thinker, as my judgement is often clouded by my hypomanic episodes and “unrealistic” dreams. But I will say this. I have so, so much passion within me… and I cannot apologize for that. Isn’t it better to have loved, than to never have loved at all?

Alright, friends… this conclude my late night tirade. I should really get some shut-eye. Got a very long week ahead… in spite of everything, I remain a perfectionist at heart, and still strive for those straight A’s, even though a good GPA won’t serve me in the artistic path I choose to pursue. Still, I want to try my best, because I am not one to accept failure, or be content with mediocrity. Work hard, play harder, is my new motto.

 

 

 

 

Love,

Belicia

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s