Monday, March 13, 2018– Reflection

Hey guys! Welcome to today’s blog post! It’s 12:14am right now, but seeing as I’ve become a night owl, sleep will not come to me until later.

I fell asleep at around 4:00am last night (or this morning). So tired I was, I slept all the way until– get this– 3:00pm!!! YEAH, I KNOW… CRAY.  That’s the latest I’ve ever slept in my life! I even missed my 8:00am discussion and abnormal psychology lecture, which was a bummer.

At 3:30pm, I headed to a review session for my intimate relationships class. Unfortunately, I arrived late, just as the TA was finishing up.

Between 4:00pm and 5:00pm, my friend Milton and I studied for our intimate relationships final. At 5:00pm, we lined up to get tickets for the Foundations Choreography Winter Showcase! Foundations is a beginner urban/hip hop dance company, comprised of five separate teams. It was the company I really wanted to get into at the start of the quarter; unfortunately, they could only accept the first 200 applicants, and because I applied late, I did not get in. I plan on doing Foundations next quarter, though!

The showcase started at 7pm. Before the lights dimmed, I socialized with a lot of my friends and had a good time.

I enjoyed watching my friends kill it on stage! Let me just take a minute to express how proud I am of my best friend, Chiana, who was on the team SOL. She came into Foundations with absolutely zero dance experience. She had originally joined because our mutual friend, Tatt, urged her to do it. Tatt ended up dropping out of Foundations in the middle, but Chiana bravely decided to stay, regardless. Watching her legit dance on the stage was so heartwarming and inspiring! My friends and I couldn’t stop screaming her name. She genuinely enjoyed herself, and her improvement in dance skill level was tremendous. Chiana is an inspiration to me, and I love her so so much.

After showcase was over, we headed back to the apartment. Chiana and I shared a heartfelt conversation about our first impressions of each other. I learned that, when Chiana and I first met, she perceived me as the “popular” type whom she’d never envision being friends with. She knows I am much more than what I put out to the public, however; that beneath the sass and bubbly nature is a sensitive, deep, reflective soul. It’s so interesting, how many masks we all carry… Sometimes, I feel as though I’m putting on a performance for the public. Ever since I started college, people have perceived me as super confident, outgoing, energetic, charismatic. And because people expect that of me, I feel pressure to fulfill such a public image. Don’t get me wrong– I genuinely enjoy being in the company of people, and I pride myself in being a gregarious person. I know, however, that deep down, I am not as confident as many make me out to be… I am a deeply flawed human being, rife with insecurities. I am a self-proclaimed ambivert; very outgoing at times, but also socially inhibited and quietly withdrawn at other times. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted. It’s just sad, how Western societies value individualism and leadership; the introverts get the short end of the stick. It’s almost as if society shames us for being introverted, which shouldn’t be the case.

How am I doing, in terms of mental health? Unfortunately, I think I am mildly depressed at the moment. The good news is, I have started back up on my medications, but because of the latency period, the real effects of the meds have yet to kick in. I don’t know what exactly is bothering me at the moment. Perhaps it is all the stress of finals hitting me. As I’ve told you, I have four finals this week. Yuck.

My goals for spring break are to get back into my dance training; explore the greater LA area with my friends; take a break from boys and focus on myself; write every day; get back into my meditation routine; and simply have a good time. I truly want to be happy, and in spite of all I’ve been through, I have faith that, with time, I will find long-lasting happiness. It’ll be a long time before I reach that mecca; I first have to learn to manage my roller-coaster moods and get my bipolar disorder under control.

Alrighty, friends. I gotta get some shut-eye, even though I don’t feel the least bit tired.

 

 

 

 

Love,

Belicia

 

 

 

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