Hey guys! This is my second blog post in one day. What?!
I just got back from swimming, and it’s only 1:45pm. Thinking of going to the ice rink later for practice. But first, the second topic of today: why I can’t have a boyfriend.
Let me qualify this statement– it’s not that I CAN’T have a boyfriend. I can totally get into a relationship, if I wanted to. It’s more just that as of right now, I just don’t have the mental bandwidth to commit myself to another person.
I have too much personal baggage and things to work on with my mental health, and between self care, school, dance, and most recently, figure skating, I just don’t have time to commit myself to a relationship. I admire those who seem to be able to do it all– relationship, school, extracurriculars, etc. Good for you guys! I, on the other hand, can only focus on a couple things at a time, and do them to the best of my ability. To get into a relationship at this moment would be unfair to my partner, as I can’t give as much of myself as I should to this other person.
I think at the root of my inability to get into a relationship is fear. Relationships, boyfriends, romance… even after two years of college, the territory is still relatively uncharted. I never had time in high school to get into a relationship. And college didn’t get any less busy. But I am afraid… afraid of the unknown. Afraid of being vulnerable with another person. To be an “us”, rather than an individual. You should know that, because I spent all my life as an individual, particularly an athlete in an individual sport, I am so used to functioning well on my own. I like to do things my own way. I have a great system going, and to introduce another person in my life would cause a giant ripple. I’d have to learn about compromise. Proper communication. All important life skills, yes. But at this point in time, it’s hard for me to want to change. During the brief time I had a dance partner, I really struggled hard to communicate in a civil manner. I grew frustrated easily, and was not very nice or considerate to my partner. Thank god this guy was understanding and patient with me– most people would run at the first exposure to my intensity.
I really am committing myself to growth, and perhaps getting a boyfriend would be a great chance for me to grow myself in a different way– to learn how to operate with a partner by my side.
I’m just scared, is all. And, while having an overloaded schedule is a valid reason not to get into a relationship, I am kind of milking that reason, and using it as sort of an excuse to not even consider the idea of getting a boyfriend.
Oh well… things will happen with time. I’ll just let the universe run it’s course, and if someone amazing steps into my life, then that’s great! But no pressure to jump into things. I’ll go at my own snail’s pace.