Stripping My Life of Toxicity

Hey friends! Hope you all are doing well. I know I haven’t been writing daily, as I have promised in the past, and I apologize for that.

My life of late has been… quite crazy, indeed. Beyond my philosophy class, which I am doing surprisingly well in, considering that I don’t understand 90% of what goes on in class, I’ve been hanging out with a new crowd that I met at– get this– a strip club!

I’m not sure if I mentioned this in any previous blog posts, but a few weeks ago, my friends and I decided to go to a male strip club, just for the experience. Little did I know what would happen to me, that fateful night. Basically, one of the male strippers saw me dancing, and wanted to recruit me into a ladies Burlesque dance group that he was managing. We exchanged contact info, and I met his other friends, including the other manager, whom I will call Haley, who was in charge of the ladies portion of the group (the entire group is comprised of male and female subgroups).

Before I knew it, I was officially recruited into the group. Let me be clear– this is basically a stripping group. In the beginning, I was under the impression that the group was strictly dance-based– no stripping involved. I was wrong. But, I made it clear to Haley that I wasn’t comfortable stripping or giving lap dances, and she said that was fine.

There is no denying that the men of the group are… hot. Very, very attractive. And really great at their job, which is to seduce woman with flattery and affection. Unfortunately, I was one of those women. There were two men in the group in particular– whom I will call Trey and Matt– who sweet-talked their way into my heart. And I was dumb enough to believe that they actually liked me in an intimate way. The following is a personal piece I wrote last night, when I realized that their so-called “affection” was all an act:

My heart is a little bit heavy. Just kidding. It’s a LOT  heavy. Basically, Matt played me. He made me believe he liked me, when in reality, it was all a big fat joke for him. A way to stroke his ego. And Trey did the exact same thing. He even told me Matt liked me. As did Haley! I sometimes wonder if it was all a part of a grand ol’ scheme to manipulate me into staying in the group, or something. Well, if it was, it certainly failed, because now I’m not sure if I wish to stay in the Burlesque group at all.  It’s not just the fact that Trey/Matt hurt me. It’s the fact that I don’t agree with the lifestyle and culture of the stripping industry. It completely goes against my long-standing morals. Seducing women/men for money? Treating them as nothing but ATM machines, rather than actual human beings with emotions? Toss a little wink here and a caress there, and expect to earn a buck or two? Gosh, I would never be a part of something as objectifying and superficial as that. Then again… a part of me is intrigued, with the possibility of making good money, as Trey promised (which is probably just a lie, like everything he’s said in the past). More than that, though, I love the feeling of being flattered and accepted into a group. Everyone in the group (at surface level) has been so welcoming. The boys are really good at charming their way into women’s hearts. Which, unfortunately, is what happened with me. I succumbed. I fell victim to their manipulative, sweet seductive words… words that mean nothing at all. But maybe a part of me is holding on to the fantasy. When I’m around them, I can pretend that they actually like me, which of course is too good to be true in real life. Gosh, I’m so stupid. As Natalie so eloquently added, it’s “all practice for the big show”. Terrible. This is why I hate this industry. There’s no such thing as real, genuine intimacy. It’s all a game, to these guys. If there’s one thing I learned from all this, it’s this– I’d better watch out for guys like Trey and Matt in the future. Sure, they’re hot, and boy do they fucking know it. They also really like their egos stroked, as do most men (and sometimes women, too). So they try to make every woman fall in love with them… for no real purpose, really, other than to feel good about themselves. It’s sickening. Guys like them… they lack maturity and integrity, at least when it comes to the realm of intimacy. I remember something my dad told me, a long time ago: “Never go for the guy everyone is after.” They can have anyone they want, and they know it. So who are you to them, at the end of the day? Just a statistic. Another girl on their long list to fuck and conquer. There’s nothing personal about it, at all. I was a fool to believe Matt could actually like me. And it’s not a reflection of my own character or beauty. It’s the fact that Matt is INCAPABLE of loving and experiencing deep emotional connection… not in his line of work. And Trey. Bitch, don’t even get me started about that FLAKE, that WOMANIZER, that PLAYER. I swear, that boy can sweet-talk his way into any woman’s beating heart. Trey was the guy I was going for in the beginning. I fell for him that first night at the strip club, and was dumb enough to believe all the empty promises Trey made to me. He’d call me and shower me with affection and promises of intimacy and fun together. It was a sweet fantasy… but don’t worry Trey, I’ve seen the light. And I’m done with you, for good. I don’t want you anymore. If I do decide to keep my name on the Burlesque roster, my relationship with you will be strictly professional. Same goes for basically every man on the team. Professional. Drama-free. No strings attached. Natalie is right. The best way to exact revenge is to show them how good I am at what I do. To SHINE on that stage and fucking kill it. Show them that I’m not to be messed with. Make them BOW to me, then CRUSH EM’ like a bug. Ok, that was a little extreme… but you get what I mean. I want them to hurt, the way they hurt me. Maybe that’s not the healthiest attitude, though. No. I want to be the bigger person. If I try to hurt them back, it shows that I actually care. They don’t deserve my mental energy. They just don’t deserve it. So I won’t give it to them, simple as that!”

So, there you have it. I’m ready to cut out all the toxic bullshit from my life. Not necessary. I need to surround myself with people who will bring out the best in me. People who build me up, instead of tearing me down. People who make me feel comfortable in my own skin, instead of insecure.

Alrighty, guys. Thanks for reading! I’ll talk to you soon.

 

 

 

Best,

Belicia

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s