Scatter-Brained

I am writing this post out of sheer necessity. I’m sitting here at home with so much to do and no idea where to start. My thoughts are racing a million miles a minute. I am at once manic and depressed– a “mixed state”, my psychiatrist calls it. So many things to do, but no means of following through.

I started this post with a million things to talk about, but now I find that my mind is drawing a blank. What is going on? I’ve been taking my meds consistently. Why are my moods and thoughts so out of whack today?

Well, I guess I’ll start off by telling you about my day. I woke up around 10:00am after a restful night of sleep. At least I’ve been getting sleep. I paced around the apartment for a bit, trying to plan out my day. Here’s what I came up with:

  • Eat
  • Do laundry
  • Watch my online lecture
  • Read
  • Prepare for a conference on Friday, for which I will be the moderator
  • Teach a dance fitness class
  • Drive to Santa Barbara

So much to do… But where to start? Well, my stomach is grumbling a little bit, so I guess I should eat. But what to eat? There’s nothing left in the fridge. Guess it’s take-out then. Should I Postmate food, or get my ass out of the house to a restaurant? I think the fresh air will do me good. Fine, restaurant it is.

I decide on Denny’s because it’s close, has wifi, and serves breakfast food. I order pancakes (the healthy 9-grain kind), scrambled eggs, and two sausages. Wolfed down my meal whilst watching my online lecture for this theater class I’m taking. After paying for my meal, I leave and head back home. I turn on the AC because it is BAKING inside. Pace around the apartment yet again… mind racing, what to do, what to do? I have several hours to kill before my dance fitness class at 6:15pm. Gotta be productive between now and then.

I decide to finish  my lecture and homework assignments, because I don’t want to do any schoolwork during my three-day getaway to Santa Barbara (I’m leaving tonight). I’m so excited to see my two good friends, Callista and Cassandra, who are rising seniors at UCSB. They’re picking me up at 8pm tonight.

Oh snap! I need clean clothes for the trip! Guess it’s time to do laundry. So I grab some quarters, two tide pods, and lug my bulky bag of dirty clothes to the 1st floor laundry room. The timer went off about ten minutes ago, as I was in the middle of writing this post, so I guess I should go grab my clothes now. Be right back!

Hey y’all, I’m back! Okay. Where were we?

I think the main thing that’s consuming my mind right now is this guy I’ve been seeing for the past week and a half (read my previous post for deets). It saddens me to say that there has been trouble in paradise. I hesitate to reveal all, just because I want to respect his privacy. But in short, the first five days of our “relationships” (if you can even call it that) were nothing short of magical. I’ve never experienced such passion, intensity, and lust for another human being. He was all I thought about all day, and we were spending almost all our time together. He showered me with love and affection and attention, and I, having never experienced anything close to what he showed me, was completely enamored. We were taking things very fast, in part because of the unusual state of our situation (we met three weeks before my departure from LA, so as you could imagine, there is a bit of a time crunch). The past few days were a little bit shaky, though, for reasons I won’t get into. We met up yesterday to talk it out, and though I feel a little bit better after our honest conversation, a part of me is still uneasy. Anyway, we decided that a little bit of distance would do us both good, as it would prepare us for the ultimate distance we’d face when I go back to the Bay. So for the next couple days, while I’m in Santa Barbara, we aren’t allowed to call or text each other. Then I’ll see him Friday night when I return.

Honestly, maybe that’s why I feel like I’m going crazy right now. I want to contact him so badly, just to hear his voice, or to know that he’s thinking about me, because I’m sure as hell thinking about him.

What else, what else? There’s just so much on my mind right now. Like the fact that I feel so uncultured, even after three years at UCLA. I have my degree, but what is it worth, if I can’t even carry on a simple conversation about politics? I certainly need to read more books, lest I wish to appear a fool every time I open my mouth.

I recently finished a book about bipolar disorder. The book, written in comic form, was truly enlightening and helped me gain a deeper understanding of my illness. It explained a lot of my past erratic behaviors, which made me feel slightly less ashamed about my past actions.

God. Bipolar sucks. You make a million plans when you’re manic, then fail to follow through on any of them when you’re depressed. It fucking sucks. Just gotta learn how to manage and maintain stability. But do I even want to be stable? I love my hypomanias. I love how creative and energetic and confident I feel when I’m high. Stability comes at the cost of such highs. Am I willing to pay that price? I’m still deciding for myself. But that’s a silly internal argument to have. Of course stability is something I want in life! That’s the whole reason why I’m going back home– to get better treatment and ultimately manage my illness.

Okay guys. I feel just a little bit better after writing this post. I’ll talk to you all soon!

 

 

 

Best,

Belicia

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