Afraid

Hi, everyone! Long time no talk! Hope you all are doing well. I am currently at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport as I begin today’s post. Why Seattle, you may ask? Well, my family and I are going on a week-long Alaska cruise, and the port of call is in Seattle. We woke up at 3am this morning to board our 6am flight, so I am SUPER exhausted right now. Slept through the entire 2.5 hour plane ride. Since the earliest time we can board the cruise is 11am, we have about 2 hours to kill at the airport, which is kind of annoying.

Today’s post is called “Afraid”. Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. I just finished my summer class, meaning that I’ve officially completed undergrad! I am definitely very happy about this accomplishment, but my joy has been hampered by anxious thoughts of the uncertain future ahead. Now that I’ve graduated undergrad and am officially in my gap year(s) before earning my PhD, I can finally do everything I ever wanted to do, but didn’t have time for because of school. I can dance and write full-time. Become a rhythmic gymnastics judge. Make money. Travel. Read books. Spend time with my boyfriend (yes, I now have a boyfriend!).

Believe me, I’m excited for all these opportunities. But I’m also afraid, because school, as difficult as it was, has been my rock for these past three years. Being a student has been an integral part of my identity for basically my entire life, and now, for the first time ever, I can’t call myself a student– at least not in the traditional sense. Reuniting with my dance community has been a source of great anxiety as well. I gained a lot of weight in college, and I worry people will talk behind my back about it. Honestly, who cares what others think? But I can’t shake this feeling of insecurity. Not to mention, my dance skills have declined drastically these past three years, as I stopped training to focus on school. I feel like a shadow of my former dancing self, and getting back into dancing is honestly so intimidating. But I know I will rise once more, and even surpass the level I used to be at. It just takes time, and I must trust the process, be patient, and not judge myself too harshly.

It’s 8:49am right now. I long for nothing more than a warm, soft bed to sleep in. I will end today’s post here! Hopefully my anxiety will subside during this vacation. My goal is to relax, recharge, and rejuvenate. Live in the moment and enjoy the beauty of Alaska.

 

 

XOXO,

Belicia