The Lonely Shepherd

My latest song obsession has been this song from the Kill Bill Vol. 1 soundtrack, “The Lonely Shepherd”. I feel that it perfectly encapsulates my present situation– a lone ranger treading her own path.

I finished school a couple weeks ago, and honestly, post-grad life hasn’t been all that glamorous. I started by going on a family cruise vacation to Alaska/Canada, which was relaxing, but also anxiety-provoking, as I spent the majority of the cruise antsy to get back home and get to work on my myriad of personal projects and goals.

When we got back from the cruise, I started dancing again, which has been going pretty well! Slowly but surely, I’m getting back into the groove of it, and as irritating and oftentimes demoralizing it has been to see how far my technique has regressed since my hiatus, I am trying to maintain a positive spirit and trust the process.

I’ve been swamped with personal projects and goals, including building my website, writing my book, studying to become a certified rhythmic gymnastics judge, working (I do mostly tutoring these days), and taking care of my mental health (I’ve been attending group therapy sessions and experimenting with acupuncture). The thing with having so many goals at once is that you can easily lose focus and feel overwhelmed. These past few days, I found myself seated at my desk, ready to work, but as soon as I’d begin, my mind would wander elsewhere to another goal, and at the end of the day I’d end up not getting any work done! That’s why, this morning, I took a look at my master-bucket-list and highlighted my top 3 priorities, which ended up being mental health, work, and dance. Everything else, including my website, my book, and my rhythmic gymnastics judging certification, could happen in my spare time. No need to stress about it.

The thing no one warned me about is how lonely post-grad life can be, especially when you fast-tracked your college years and squeezed a four-year program into three years. All my friends are still in school at UCLA. As is my boyfriend. That has been the hardest part of this whole thing– leaving behind my past relationships and having to forge new ones here in the Bay. I feel like I have to start over. Back when I was just starting college, I welcomed this change, because I wanted my college experience to be nothing like my high school days. But now… I honestly really miss college in its entirety. I miss attending classes; joining clubs; making friends in the blink of an eye; experiencing tremendous personal growth each day. Looking back, I feel like there was still so much I wanted to experience in college, but never got around to doing. But I mustn’t think that way. I still had a rich college experience filled with wonderful memories. I can’t just discount those.

This past week has been tough. I just returned from visiting my friends and boyfriend in LA, and am getting back into the swing of things. My mother and grandmother are in China for a month, so it’s just been me and my dad in the big, empty house. I wake up each morning not with excitement and passion, but rather, with feelings of emptiness and nostalgia. I have so many goals but have no idea where to start. My boyfriend was in town for the past few days, which helped a lot with the loneliness. But now he’s returned to LA, and I feel all alone again. But I mustn’t fret. Starting over is hard, and transitions can be rough. But I know that I will find my footing soon enough and get back the momentum I so need. Heck, I’m training for a competition in end of November, so that should be my immediate focus and driving force. No time to mope.

Alrighty, guys. I feel a lot better after writing this post. Time to eat breakfast, then work out. Peace out, everyone!

 

 

 

XOXO,

Belicia

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