My Unquiet Mind

Hey guys! It’s currently 12:34am on this early Monday morning. Sleep isn’t coming easy tonight (probably because I took a nap earlier in the day) so I decided to write this post.

My thoughts are racing, despite it being the middle of the night, my fingers are swiftly and deftly moving across the keyboard, and my heart is beating out of my chest. I feel at once inspired and down-trodden with loneliness. The days have been listlessly passing me by, and this transition into post-grad life has not been easy at all. Presently, it’s just me and my dad in the house, as my mother and grandmother are both in China. The house is oftentimes empty, and at night, I find the need to turn on all the lights in my room, as if the illumination will somehow fill the void in my heart.

I don’t know why I started this post. Perhaps I needed a pick-me-up, anything to make me feel inspired and alive. Writing usually does the trick for me, though it is a mere temporary fix to underlying issues.

I had my first day of work at an SAT English prep center today. I am working as an assistant to the owner of the company, who also happens to be a family friend and mentor. Grading essays for 4 hours was tedious for sure, but I need a way to pay for my dance lessons, and a steady gig is a step in the right direction.

I love ballroom dance, but it sure as hell is a money-suck. Sometimes I wonder if the (measly) income I earn would be better spent on saving for graduate school. But I told myself that this gap year, I would throw myself into my dance training and see where it leads me and how far I can go. I just need to find a way to support myself, as my parents can no longer finance my dance expenses– nor do I want them to.

I’ve been applying for jobs as a dance fitness instructor at local gyms and studios but have yet to hear back from any. Linkedin is my new best friend. I miss my boyfriend dearly, but I will be seeing him this Wednesday when I visit LA! He’s been such a sweetheart by sponsoring my trips to LA and back.

As for my mental health, I’ve been attending group therapy and going to acupuncture twice a week. I’m staying on my medications and getting enough sleep every night (usually I sleep way earlier than I am, tonight). I’ve been meaning to get myself to meditate for 20 minutes a day, but I just haven’t mustered up enough self-discipline to commit to silencing my unquiet mind. I guess I just have to do it, no questions asked.

It’s nearing 1am. I need to sleep, as I have a long day tomorrow. Visiting my late godmother’s grave in the morning, followed by a tutoring session in the afternoon, a dinner appointment in the evening, and a phone call with my student at night. So I’ll talk to you guys later!

 

 

XOXO,

Belicia

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