Nighttime Musings 2/8/2020

Hi everyone! It’s 10:46pm as I begin today’s post. For some strange reason, I found myself tonight feeling a little extra lonely and a little extra nostalgic for my college days, which are now behind me.

For the past hour, I’ve been mindlessly scrolling through social media, living vicariously through my college friends’ many nighttime adventures. One friend is celebrating her birthday by throwing a huge rager with lots of booze, lots of dancing, and lots of fun. Another is enjoying a more wholesome– but no less magical– evening walking along Santa Monica pier with her boyfriend, basking in the cool evening breeze of Venice beach.

And here I am. Many a mile away, alone in my room, typing out this post. There’s a heaviness that sits in my chest. It’s like I almost want to cry, but the tears won’t come. Just a weight that cannot be lifted.

Is it FOMO? Nostalgia? Self-pity? Maybe a mixture of all those things, and more. Earlier tonight, I was just thinking how lucky I am to be in my present situation. At home, spending time with family. Getting the mental health care I need. Not having to worry about paying rent. Making money through various jobs I enjoy, and being able to pour all that money into my creative passions. Like, when else in my life have I been able to do all that?

There’s a line from a song in Hamilton the musical. It says, “Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.” And it’s true. Even though my present situation is not perfect, I must count my many blessings. I am, indeed, so lucky to be alive and (relatively) well, (relatively) healthy, and (relatively) happy. A huge step forward from where I was just a few months ago, when I hit rock bottom.

While the heaviness in my chest remains, I can at least go to sleep tonight assured that I am in a good place in my life. So long as I remember to be grateful, I will give myself a fighting chance at finding inner peace and happiness.

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