Welcome, everyone, to Day 5 of the “CQ” (coronavirus quarantine) series!
Today was a meh kind of day. Everything I did seemed to take a little bit more effort and willpower that normal. I woke up at 7am, did some social media scrolling, then fell back asleep until 12pm. At 1pm, I hosted a virtual SAT math class using Google Classroom. It worked out pretty great, actually! From 3:00-4:30pm, I watched some of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. From 4:30-5:30pm, I tutored another student, an 8th grade girl, in English. After tutoring, I took another break by finishing the Harry Potter film. I then went on a 2-mile run on the levee– took more walking breaks than I would have liked, though. Got home, took a shower, ate dinner, then returned to my room, and here I am now, writing this post!
I didn’t get much writing or reading done today. I was planning to finish writing a feature article for my website, finish reading the book “Grit”, and make some headway on my own book, which I had planned to have done by the end of this indefinite period of quarantine.
I guess we all have down days. It saddens me to say that my relationship with my parents has not improved. My brother Austin called me earlier this evening and told me that my mom was hurt that I wasn’t spending more time with her and dad. Hearing that made my heart break. I know I haven’t been the best daughter, lately. There were a lot of factors that contributed to the ever-growing divide between me and my parents, but at the end of the day, it’s up to me to mend my relationship with them. My parents– they did nothing wrong. All the decisions they made for me thus far, they made with good intentions. I need to grow up and stop blaming them for everything that’s going wrong in my life. But I truly believe that some physical distance apart from them will help things, so much. I’ve been stuck at home for the past 7 months. This quarantine period is only wearing at my already thinning patience around them. The only time I really interact with my parents is during meals, and even then, I’m only at the dinner table for 10-15 minutes (I eat very fast).
I’m at a loss of what to do. A reasonable person would say, “Well gee, Belicia, why don’t you just sit down with the two of them and tell them what’s going on?” Well, if you knew my family, you’d know that we don’t really operate in that way. The way we communicate is through actions. I’ve always felt loved by them, not because of what they say, but because of the things they do for me. It’s time I reciprocated that love. I mean, how would you feel if you, and parent, spent the past 22 years giving everything and more for your grown child, and that child won’t even talk to you, let alone muster the words, “I love you”? I would be crestfallen. Hurt. Devastated. I think that’s how my parents must feel right now. They just aren’t saying anything. Especially my father. He’s the most stoic, reticent man I know. Sometimes, when my mother and I are arguing, my father just blends into the background, the sounds of our yelling acting as white noise to his ears. I simply can’t read what he’s thinking!
I don’t know, guys. I just don’t know. Maybe I need to let down my guard and throw away my pride and just let my parents know that I love them. So much. I love them with all my heart, and I am forever indebted to them for everything I have and everything I’ve achieved in my life thus far. Maybe they’ll stumble upon this blog post one day. All I know is, as of right now, I don’t have the courage to show them what I have written.
Anyway, I’m gonna get back to watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (the second installation of the series). Have a great rest of the evening and I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow!